Headlines so dumb they deserve to be misinterpreted.
.jpg) danzden |
Due to the time difference between the U.S. and Beijing, stories announcing Phelps winning gold medals are written twelve hours before the race takes place.
Said an irate parent, “First it’s peanuts, then it’s wheat, and before long they’ll want to ban that tasty school paste!”
 lesuerg |
On the bright side, the study revealed that graduate student drinking usually doesn’t start until after earning a bachelor’s degree.
.jpg) lesuerg |
Since the U.S. Congress is involved, the most likely outcome if the bill is passed will be increased college costs.
Overweight men, the study revealed, are only required to wear looser fitting muscle shirts.
Girls who ate dinner with family members were less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, the study found. Researchers speculate that abusing drugs and alcohol is more difficult for teen girls when Mom or Dad are sitting right there with you.
.jpg){kind=small} wallyg |
Which may explain why preserving tenure is a top priority of the American Federation of Bad Teachers.
Sources close to Mr. Mugabe said that his administration had been planning his inaugural for over a year.
A new capital fund campaign, ostensibly to repair damage from the tornado, was announced the next day.
.jpg) tomsaint11 |
Truckers also reported being upset by decayed roads, construction detours, and not being able to find a good country music radio station when driving I-95 up and down the Atlantic coast.
Medical science once again validates what moms have been saying for decades: go outside and play!
.jpg){kind=small} Brian Mitchell |
Drivers’ hopes were dashed when they learned that rising fuel costs had failed to alter the laws of physics.
Anybody who expected spending to increase in April has obviously never had to write a check to the Internal Revenue Service
Thus laying to rest the ugly rumors that suburbanites from Metarie and Lafayette were camping out under urban overpasses.
President Ahmadinejad immediately refuted the accusation, saying Iran intended to show an obstinate lack of cooperation.
 lesuerg |
The preservation group briefly considered fighting to save a Houston strip mall and several chain restaurants, but decided the historic district was a better fit with their mission statement.
Since the average World War II veteran is 84 years old, a run on plain white marble markers is to be expected.
.jpg){kind=small} FastPhive |
Communists are sensitive about portrayals showing their soldiers being beaten up by a senior citizen.
In a sharply worded response, Democratic governor Kathleen Sibelius told her archbishop that “the traditions of men should not take precedence over the most deeply held beliefs of the Democratic Party.”
Members of the Pi Kappa Alpha chapter at Tulane University blamed the incident, which caused injuries to several pledges, on the federal government’s slow response to Hurricane Katrina.
.jpg) transplanted mountaineer |
Unlike “Mission Impossible,” however, it’s Barack Obama’s disavowal that will self-destruct in five seconds.
Is there anything that GM does that doesn’t lead to layoffs?
All the news that's fit to ridicule.
The Germans hope to offset the efforts of the Swiss team trying to speed the melting with a giant hair dryer.
A coalition of candidates lagging in the polls are now lobbying for smaller text on voter ballots.
In preparing for both aspects of the trip, Bush has spent the several weeks practicing his swan dive.
 Underscan |
Through November 7th, Republican campaign mail must be discarded in a red bin, Democratic campaign mail in a blue bin.
 lesuerg |
Upset over being beat out for the Gotham City role in “The Dark Knight,” New York City promised to lose weight, have some surgery done, and learn its lines better before the next installment is filmed.
.jpg){kind=small} Just-Us-3 |
Odds of that many people being hit by one lightning strike were ten million to one, paying $21,205,000 on a two dollar ticket.
Exploiting the working class and ruining the environment have become “too expensive to enjoy anymore,” according to one country-club swell.
Scientists okayed the discovery after verifying that Ross Perot did not plan to run in the 2008 presidential election.
If Sen. McCain is to blame for profitable oil companies, does that mean that Sen. Obama would take credit for oil companies that lose money?
Scientists also claim that Martian ice is disappearing rapidly due to human activity-induced greenhouse gases.
 JoEjOnAsIsSoMiNe |
Topping the list of qualifications, his actual name must be “Bucky Kentucky”.
 Ann_Marie |
Residents who wish to maintain a larger carb footprint will be allowed to purchase trans-fat credits from other states.
cr.jpg) tracer.ca |
The protest zone nearest to the Olympic venues will be in Amarillo, Texas.
The Republican Party platform is on track to be the first to contain phrases like, “OMG, the government should be our BFF.”
Office staff were unable to remove the offensive phrase from printed documents because the sensitivity committee had recently banned the use of ‘white-out’.
The complaint came from the National Association of Couch Potatoes who claimed the signs were discriminatory toward men who prefer not to work.
Health food restaurants will still be allowed to offer the alternative ‘soy-dog’ dishes.
She had been unemployed for the past 70 years.
Concerns about weight led the airline to offer lighter fare, such as “My Little Pony” cartoons.
).jpg) ang (3 Girls & a Boy) |
Secret to becoming America’s fastest-growing city: have everybody leave for a couple of years.
The new venue will allow Sen. Obama to stop his speech after any controversial remarks and use instant replay to reconsider his position.
Fans were so caught up in the no-hitter bid, they forgot to do the “wing flap” when the Angels were at bat.
A State Department official explained that North Korea was being upgraded from the Axis of Evil to the Cabal of Corruption.
The cost savings were offset by longer travel times, however, since the carpoolers had to switch drivers every 8 seconds.
With global warming now being tied to increased illegal immigration, it won’t be just our beaches that overflow if the ice cap melts.
The transaction took several hours to complete since the teller could only fit one million at a time through the pneumatic tubes at the drive-up window.
Some facts are weirder than fiction.
We kid you not: “GENEVA (AFP) - A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.” Talk about a big piece of. . . err. . . art.
Exact quote: “New explosives could be more powerful and safer to handle than TNT and other conventional explosives and would also be more environmentally friendly.” Fortunately, the new bombs will be at least as lethal as their less environmentally-friendly predecessors, something that will no doubt comfort opposing armies as they cower in their foxholes.
Exact quotes: “OKYO - A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday.” It probably isn’t true, but the rumor mill implies that the unnamed man had but a single request: “Can I keep the computer?”
Exact quotes: “FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.”
Exact quotes: But “‘(w)e don’t appear to have been visited by aliens,’ Hawking said, adding that he discounts reports of UFOs. ‘Why would they only appear to cranks and weirdoes?’” Hey, we resemble that remark!
What bimbo-brain thought this was a good idea? Exact quotes: “The aim of the Miss Bimbo game, which was launched in Britain last month, is to become the ‘hottest, coolest, most famous bimbo in the whole world’, and contestants who compete are told to ‘stop at nothing’, even ‘meds or plastic surgery’, to ensure their dolls win. Children are given a naked virtual character to look after. They compete against other players to earn ‘bimbo’ dollars so they can dress her in sexy outfits and take her clubbing.”
Exact quotes: “MANILA (Reuters) - Playboy magazine is launching in the Philippines next month and will be targeting mature men who like well-written articles and tasteful photographs of semi-nude women.” Okay. Be honest. Does you really believe that Hef built his empire here in the states on “well-written articles”? We didn’t think so.
This one just sort of speaks for itself. Exact quote: “WELLINGTON (AFP) - A New Zealand man has been sentenced to community service after telling police he had been raped by a wombat and the experience had caused him to start speaking ‘Australian’.”
Exact quote: “The FBI and New York authorities had been searching for (the man), who disappeared Wednesday after telling his wife he was getting his computer fixed at Best Buy.” We’ve tried that story before. It didn’t work for us, either.
It was a gallant try. Exact quotes: “LIHUE, Hawaii - A man hoping to cheer up an ailing relative at Wilcox Memorial Hospital hadn’t considered one of the visitation rules: No horses allowed. The man thought the patient would enjoy seeing his stallion, said a spokeswoman at the hospital. The man’s good intentions were further dashed when his relative was brought out to see the horse. ‘That’s not my horse,’ the patient said to hospital staff.”
But did he turn state’s evidence? Exact quote: “AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A shoplifter looking to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left police a crucial piece of evidence—his 12-year-old son.”
Exact quotes: “More often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on, and a new study discovers why: Guys are clueless.” You mean a subtle smile isn’t a come-on?
Believe it or not, this is the big finding of the study (exact quote): “Students who take prescription drugs for non-medical reasons are at least five times more likely to meet the definition of having a drug abuse problem than students not misusing them.”
And wouldn’t you know it? Eliot Spitzer is part of the problem. Exact quotes: “The oldest bordello in Hamburg’s red-light district is shutting down for lack of business… (The Madam) blamed the decline in business on easily available Internet porn (and) the rise of call-girl services. ‘You can’t make any big money selling sex in St. Pauli any more.’”
Here’s one for the “say it ain’t so, Joe” books. Exact quote: “SEASIDE, Calif. - A 15-year-old girl who stopped an out-of-control school bus she was riding on was handed a Saturday detention instead because she was skipping school.”
Put the
DUH! Magazine widget
on your website!
RSS 2.0