Headlines so dumb they deserve to be misinterpreted.
.jpg) LA Wad |
Whoa. Did not see that one coming.
Queries about the 20th anniversary of the massacre will be directed to the Ministry of Stuff We’d Prefer Not to Talk About.
Local TV news will lead with this: “A cruise ship sank in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. Officials now confirm that there were no survivors.”
Also prone to knee surgeries and chronic inability to fasten their collar buttons.
Appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor is what people familiar with American jurisprudence refer to as a “twofer.”
And we thought they were deeply committed to fashion trends in lab coats.
 file photo |
The new vehicle, said to protect against insurgent-style roadside bombs, should be ready for service about the time the last U.S. soldier departs the Middle East.
Taliban militants vow to oust Pakistani army.
Wow. Did not see that coming at all.
Ford, of all the American automakers, least needs to bring new focus to the market.
“Dad? Mom? What were you thinking?”
A shockwave swept the nation on news that a politician’s decision to switch political parties may have been politically motivated.
.jpg){kind=small} jordan.meeter |
Driving home the much-needed public safety message that there’s really no such thing as pretending to jump off a bridge.
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Did home sales go up? No, they went down. Apparently economists are encouraged when the actual decline is less than the predicted decline.
For other students, providing exam answers in advance seemed to be more effective.
A memorandum was circulated elaborating on the intended meaning of the word ‘constructive’: submissive, compliant, passive, and obedient.
Only proving that no situation is so tragic that some American will be unwilling to try to make an easy buck off of it.
With typical government efficiency, the barn door is closing a good 18 months after the horse has left.
But so far, their requests to have Democrats put under a restraining order have been denied.
This all seems rather odd, since prior to December 15, 1973, the American Psychological Association classified Barney Frank as having a psychological disorder.
Apparently forgetting to pay your taxes is a requirement for appointment to the Obama Cabinet.
 jfhny |
The press kit explains that Britain would actually be smaller than Vermont if not for Amy Winehouse’s hair.
All the news that's fit to ridicule.
The administration may have over-reached a bit, suggesting that Sunday school kids must now sing, “This Little Compact Fluorescent of Mine...”
.jpg) talkradionews |
The Oracle of Omaha is predicting the recession will start in mid- to late 2008.
South Carolina governor Mark Sanford’s rambling answers to questions about his absence made about as much sense as Miss Teen South Carolina’s famous pageant non-answer.
  rezavaziri |
There’s a downside for everyone on this one—you’ve either got more of Rush Limbaugh or more of Michael Moore.
The perpetrators took the concept of “in broad daylight” to a whole new level when the act was made visible to seven billion people.
A formal request asked the President to divert some of the stimulus money to round up rogue flies and send them to soon-to-be-deserted Gitmo.
Within hours of the news, the entire shoreline was subdivided and all lakefront lots were sold.
 Jeffrey Beall |
As a first step, grocery store clerks will be required to ask, “Paper or non-biodegradable, filthy, polluting, unethical container?”
.jpg) mannequindisplay |
Used to be when a woman did this sort of thing she didn’t hold a news conference to announce it.
 e.labrador |
Local parish priests are considering special offers to boost participation, such as confess one-have two forgiven, half-off on penance required, and amnesty for sins more than three years old.
.jpg) julay |
Top of the to-do list: Tape new commercial: “Our low prices will blow you away!”
It’s called the ultimate recycling program.
Because overly delighted customers are so common at the license bureau, we suppose.
Should ‘patient zero’ fail to complete his patient zero responsibilities, the statue will be re-dedicated to runner-up, patient one.
Republicans, according to Obama, delight in sending in troops at the drop of a hat.
Scientists are still trying to determine if the model was Joan Rivers or Zsa Zsa Gabor.
.jpg) lonecellotheory |
The homeowner said he was really not trying to start a movement; he just wanted to “annoy the heck out of his neighbors.”
Yeah. Because paper towels are so, you know...distinctive.
Obama is recommending that Israel send bail-out money to neighboring Muslim states, fire their leaders, and assume majority control of their governments.
Leaders from China, Mexico and South Korea have all drafted thank-you notes to the American taxpayer.
Funny. Neither can most conservatives.
As a consolation, customers were told that the new grilled chicken really didn’t taste that good anyway.
Proponents of the plan have calculated that by shortening the work week to zero days, they can finally achieve 100% employment.
Apparently by mistake. Most of the voters interviewed thought they were voting for “Bling.”
The message from Bristol as she cuddles her adorable infant son: “Don’t do this.”
To save money, all 32 of Detroit’s remaining eligible voters will cast their ballots in an abandoned school.
Some facts are weirder than fiction.
Exactly: “Sporting a wig, sunglasses, nail polish and old-fashioned garb, Thomas Parkin started dressing up as his dead mother and managed to collect more than $100,000 in Social Security benefits and rent subsidies.” Must have been the “Love You, Mom” tattoo that gave him away.
Exactly: “NYC Woman Believes Her Father Lay Dead Inside His Car For Weeks While Police Wrote Tickets Over And Over.” Apparently, no ‘moving’ violations were included.
Exactly: “A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday.” The assailant has likely blown his chances of becoming a suicide hotline counselor.
Exactly: “CHEYENNE, Wyo. – Two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers have been fired after a live webcam caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser. The geyser was not erupting at the time.” Now that would have been interesting!
Exactly: “SAN JOSE, Calif. - An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill. A hazmat team was called in. The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea. Authorities say the worker who cleaned the fridge didn’t need treatment — she can’t smell because of allergies.”
Exactly: “Police didn’t have to dust for fingerprints to find this suspect — they just rifled through the wallet he left behind at the scene. Albert Vincent Perkins was charged with robbing First Federal Bank in Kansas City on Thursday. Police said he walked into the bank, handed the teller a plastic bag and ordered her to give him all of the $100 bills. Then he walked out of the bank — but left his wallet sitting on the counter.”
Exactly: “SINGAPORE (Reuters) – The sorry state of men’s sport in Singapore was thrown into sharp focus when organisers failed to honour a Sportsman of the Year for the first time since the nation’s annual awards began more than 40 years ago. ‘Unfortunately, it was a bad year; none of them really achieved anything. . .’ The controversy continued when the panel also failed to name a Coach of the Year. . .” Perhaps they should just concentrate on “Math Whiz of the Year.”
LITITZ, Pa. – A Pennsylvania high school ordered more than 450 shot glasses for its prom, a move the assistant principal now says sent the wrong message. The girls who attended last year’s prom got a picture frame; the boys, a money clip. Assistant Principal Scott Galen says: “Unfortunately, this year the junior class didn’t have quite as much money.” But, apparently, plenty of chutzpah.
Exactly: “SAN FRANCISCO – Prepare to be awed by Odd Day. For the mathematically challenged, Thursday’s date, 5/7/09, is one of only six this century that will feature three consecutive odd numbers. Numbers lovers say the rare occurrence is an excuse to celebrate. Ron Gordon, the Redwood City teacher who enthusiastically promotes these numerical holidays, like Square Root Day on 3/3/09, is offering a prize of $579 to those who celebrate the date with the most zeal or who get the most people involved in an Odd Celebration.” This explains why mathematicians can’t get a date on Saturday night.
Exactly: “DAYTON, Ohio – Police found a man accused of shoplifting because he put his address on a job application before leaving the store. . . . (T)he man wrote his actual address on the job application, and police arrested him there while he was ironing a pair of jeans he was accused of stealing.” Little wonder he was unemployed.
Exactly: “(n)o blame was placed on the Hamas militants Israel says were using the U.N. compounds for cover during the fighting.” Surprise, surprise.
“BEIJING – A rural Chinese county said Tuesday it had backed away from a rule urging its officials to smoke a certain amount of local cigarettes to boost tax income after it was reported in a newspaper. Officials in Gongan county in central Hubei province were encouraged to smoke over 230,000 packs of locally produced cigarettes a year, the Hubei-based Chutian Metropolis Daily reported Sunday. Tobacco sales, the biggest source of government revenue, brought in $61 billion in the first 11 months of 2008, up 18 percent from 2007. . .”
“PORTLAND, Ore. – Authorities arrested seven people involved in a fight that broke out early Sunday during karaoke at a restaurant. Sheriff’s Sgt. David Thompson said the brawl ignited when a man became upset that his wife got slapped on the buttocks while singing a song. Thompson said beer bottles and chairs were thrown during the melee while restaurant security used pepper spray on the fighters and upward of 100 people tried to exit.” Afterward, the wife told her husband: “I told you I couldn’t sing.” (Okay, we made the last part up.)
These rocks are not to be confused with the rocks found inside the heads of most teens who play Nintendo.
“WATERFORD TOWNSHIP, Mich. – Tinker Bell has been reunited with her owners after a 70-mph gust of wind picked up the six-pound Chihuahua and tossed her out of sight. Dorothy and Lavern Utley credit a pet psychic for guiding them on Monday to a wooded area nearly a mile from where 8-month-old Tinker Bell had been last seen.” Imagine the possibilities: “I lost my keys.” “Where did you last put them?” “On my dresser.” “Go check there.” “You must be psychic!”
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