Headlines so dumb they deserve to be misinterpreted.
The study also found that caramel macchiato, whipped-cream-topped lattes helped dieters overcome the desire to kill skinny people.
Fortunately, most American dogs are still reported to be living within their means
Sort of like how we hate being fat, but keep devouring Cheetos.
Researchers surprised to find that studying is more effective than not studying.
Apparently, “Just say no” works for things other than experimental drug use.
...primarily on keeping his.
Just like voter anger, frustration was key to Obama’s election in 2008.
Business guru Tom Peters likes to say, “If it ain’t broke, break it,” but NBC’s reinvention of late-night television makes us wonder.
When disaster strikes, two things can be counted on: the U.S. will send massive amounts of aid, and Pat Robertson will put his foot in his mouth.
And stupider ones, too.
By killing users with brain cancer years before Alzheimer’s symptoms develop.
Fortunately, American appetites for Big Macs and Whoppers show no signs of abating.
That is, before any more Democrats announce their resignations!
A fact well known to drunken sailors: that thing that comes after a spending spree is called a “hangover.”
Said a close friend: “She was willing to give him a second chance. Just not seventeenth chance.”
According to a spokesperson, Accenture’s motto for the moment will be: “Accenture: count on us to be first.”
On the bright side, a deal for the golfer to endorse the AXE line of men’s grooming products is imminent.
. . . to cut and run after 18 months.
He will always be best remembered for his off-screen role in the comedy/tragedy, “Father of the Year.”
Contradicting all the studies that show apathy is the key to kicking cocaine addiction.
That’s as opposed to how most Americans go about it: By eating a half gallon of “Lite” ice cream and watching TV.
Rapidly urbanizing China is once again showing questionable judgment in their desire to become like the West as fast as possible.
All the news that's fit to ridicule.
Campaign aid had suggested he could increase his popularity by sending out more tweets.
Pilot sought to land, slide down the emergency shoot, and offer Obama a beer.
In a conciliatory gesture, travel will only be allowed on homemade rafts.
Clinton, while flattered, assured the media that “There is no sexual relationship with that woman.”
Perhaps “information wants to be free,” but AT&T still needs to make a buck sending it to you.
Proving yet again that when it comes to unsustainable spending, America still shows the world how it’s done.
Nothing says “economic recovery” like a debt surge!
Given how public education works in this country, administrators have assured lawmakers that it can’t possibly fail.
One to type the 144 characters, and one-hundred ninety-nine to figure out how to make the fascist dictator sound like a hip social networker.
Citizens call for legislation to provide every American with the same access to tax fraud that Federal employees enjoy today.
Millions of winter sports enthusiasts were joined by over 20 million NASCAR fans who had heard there had been a fatal accident.
Government officials worry that too many snow days could reduce assisted-lunch student’s dependence on government assistance.
The company said it would have recalled more, but that was the total number of Toyota trucks in Tacoma.
The women turned down the dentist’s settlement offer of a lifetime supply of nitrous oxide.
Biden was seen mouthing the words, “Good luck”.
Haiti had schools?
Ironically, the decision compounds the problem by also providing 2 meals.
“The system worked,” said Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano. “Wait. What? We lost?”
...until they get a driver’s license.
Apparently the stolen “W” keys have never been replaced.
Asked about experience, Palin said she can see the local news studio from her front window.
“The difference is harder to tell than you’d think,” said a TSA official as he made himself a peanut butter and TNT sandwich.
A counselor encouraged Charlie to find activities that both can enjoy since throat-slitting and murder are so self-serving.
The woman was arrested. Her husband ordered take-out.
That place truly must serve “the world’s best cup of coffee.”
The advice came as part of his sermon series “The Ten Suggestions.”
Some facts are weirder than fiction.
Exactly: “As a Weight Watchers group gathered for a routine weigh-in, the dieters got an idea of how far they still had to go: The floor underneath them collapsed, a Swedish newspaper reported. ‘We suddenly heard a huge thud; we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air,’ one of about 20 group members said to the Smalandsposten newspaper. Afterward, the participants moved the scales to a hallway to have a real weigh-in. That time, the floor held.”
Exactly: “ROME (Reuters) – A Sicilian man stole sweets and a packet of chewing gum so he could get arrested and spend New Year’s Eve in a jail cell rather than be with his wife and relatives. The 35-year old Sicilian first showed up at a police station on Thursday asking to be arrested. . . but was rebuffed because he had not committed a crime.” Eggnog may have been involved.
Exactly: “Investigators in the Florida Keys say they lured a suspected marijuana grower into turning himself in by leaving a ransom note in place of six seized pot plants.” It is likely he was using his product at the time of the call.
Exactly: “Move over, Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese. Online bidders, meet the Holy Cross Potato. Both of them. Yes, the 2009 holiday season bestowed (at least) two miraculous spuds with crosses at their centers. Aside from the sizes of the spuds, the main difference is price.” No doubt.
Exactly: “When Tobias ‘Bags of Money’ Boyland went looking for a new career after serving 13 years in prison for armed robbery and drug dealing, he quickly found something that suited his sensibilities: He opened a collection agency.” Only in New York.
Exactly: “(EA) added in a statement that the company has spent ‘considerable time’ developing and testing the new ‘Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online’ game, which he called a ‘breakthrough experience.’” One can almost picture what that “breakthrough experience” might be.
Exactly: “According to a Marion County Sheriff’s Office report, the man told deputies Elsie Egan repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.” At least it wasn’t a leg of lamb.
Exactly: “After being turned down by North Korea’s largest textile company, the [Swedish] group managed to secure a manufacturing deal with [North Korea’s] largest mining company, Trade 4, which also happens to run a small textile operations on its site.” They must be special jeans.
Exactly: “Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.” No kidding.
Exactly: “COLUMBUS, Ohio – Intrepid Ohio State University researchers have learned students don’t just party in a campus lake during rituals before the annual Michigan game. Postdoctoral research associate Steve Goldsmith said the lake’s temperature went up 3 degrees throughout the night, and the ammonia level surged. He said body heat could explain the warmer water, but the ammonia likely means one thing: urine. Goldsmith advises students to have fun, just not open their mouths.”
Exactly: “SALEM, Mass. – A man has been arrested for breaking into three cars after police spotted him carrying a suspicious bag he said was filled with his former wife’s sex toys.” Curiosity being what it is, he might have had better luck if he had told them the bag just held his ex-wife’s head.
In a startling revelation (exactly), “Inspector General Neil Barofsky said he believes that ‘it’s unrealistic to think we’re going to get all of that money back.’” You don’t say.
Exactly: “ President Obama’s national security team is moving to reframe its war strategy by emphasizing the campaign against Al Qaeda in Pakistan while arguing that the Taliban in Afghanistan do not pose a direct threat to the United States, officials said Wednesday.” In other words, we’re not making any progress, so let’s change the terms of the discussion.
Exactly: “He also wants an additional $200,164,000 for “miscellaneous fees.” Said the judge, “This is the kind of bold leadership we rarely see outside of Washington, D.C.”
Exactly: “Latimer Mukasa, chairman of the Uganda Cricket Association, said the players, including their captain, disappeared last Saturday after winning their final match against the Netherlands by two wickets. He did not speculate on their motive for absconding.” But we will: “Canada, Uganda. Canada, Uganda.”