Headlines so dumb they deserve to be misinterpreted.
.jpg) Bill Gracey |
Just as pink elephants unseen by patrolmen offer drunkenness clues.
This can’t be true, because we all know fraternities don’t allow hazing of pledges, right?
To entice volunteers, inducements beside the usual 72 virgins include an unbreakable comb, a 32 MB USB drive, and a toaster.
.jpg){kind=small} whiskeygonebad |
Pueblo, Colo. officials were so pleased with the results, they are now considering banning precipitous stock market drops and in-home pregnancy tests.
Some are said to have a three-year supply of short sleeve white shirts and name badges in their bunkers.
 inundation |
To deal with the deluge of new requests, applicants must first appear before Randy, Paula and Simon to vie for a spot in the next round.
_thumb.jpg) Andres Rueda |
Not included in the new rules for credit cards: “Don’t buy stuff you can’t afford to pay for.”
_thumb.jpg) Todd Huffman |
Ironically, this story does not have a “happy ending.”
The former District of Columbia judge who brought the suit might have better luck if he sued for losing his marbles.
.jpg){kind=small} NASA space science laboratory |
. . . and millions of holes in American retirement accounts.
The remaining 10 percent are still interested in bidding on Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat.
Which explains how he. . . wait for it. . . made off with all that money!
Is Barack Obama ready for the White House?
.jpg) World Economic Forum |
Just when Obama’s liberal supporters thought things could get no worse, along comes the “Dick Cheney seal of approval”!
Arnie Duncan—Obama’s choice to head the Department of Education—said that he would do everything in his power to ensure that all of the nation’s schools achieve the same levels of operational efficiency, educational excellence, and moral integrity as the Chicago Public Schools system.
Researchers have identified the specific sequence of commands that the brain sends out: “Pick that up.”; “Put in mouth.”; “Chew and Swallow.” (In some brains the “Chew” command was optional.)
And to think that all this time we thought it was a lack of will.
No word yet on whether they are also delaying the activity that results in parenthood.
.jpg) chotda |
The full title of the study: “Nation of Junkies: How America’s Sugar Addiction Is Making Us Fat, Dumb and Cavity-prone.”
This story, from The New York Times, is a contender for Duh!Magazine’s Most Obvious Headline of 2008.
.jpg) MercyWatch |
Amused passengers gathered at the rail to enjoy the “pirate attack” until rifle fire from the Somali fishing boats persuaded them that this event was not part of the cruise itinerary.
One can hardly blame them for refusing to examine ballots that had been voided. Ick.
All the news that's fit to ridicule.
Surprised hospital administrators said they were “just preemptively applying for a bailout.”
Sources close to the President-elect said that Panetta’s experience as Bill Clinton’s chief of staff meant that he was experienced in “subterfuge, sneaking around, and other spy-type activities.”
In Cuban politics, any hopes set higher than zero are considered too high.
.jpg) Philocrites |
The theory was confirmed when historians uncovered lyrics attributed to ‘50 Pence’ and ‘Snoop MacDog’.
The warden defended the prison’s furnishings, saying, “A lethargic prisoner is a compliant prisoner.”
.jpg) Peter Boden |
Fortunately, the Redmond, Wash. company was on top of the problem. Microsoft announced that Zune Service Pack 2, which fixes the glitch, will be available for download by “no later than October” for only $89.95, or $99.95 if you would like a CD-ROM copy.
 lesuerg |
When stealing bikes is outlawed, only outlaws will steal bikes.
A parade featuring 50 year old cars was greeted with indifference: in Cuba, all the cars are 50 years old.
Or how to turn that unwanted Christmas gift into something you really need.
.jpg) mercurialn |
The challenge here is figuring out which outrage to be most outraged about.
Usually, the only things being nursed on Facebook are grudges.
The Russian finding isn’t quite as strange as it sounds, however, as, just like in Chicago, corpses are frequently known to vote.
 lesuerg |
Especially Australian men.
This news has caused a major spike in web traffic at HotGrandmas.com
General Mills share prices showed a sharp increase as moms stock up on their teen’s favorite cereals.
 Christine |
In a telling turn of events, desperate shop owners have been caught stealing purses from customers.
Democratic Secretary of State Mark Ritchie recently vowed that the recount would continue until the desired outcome is achieved.
At least until the residents started throwing styrofoam cups out the windows of their Martian Hummers.
.jpg){kind=small} timsnell |
The reporter claims he was actually donating his shoes for needy Iraqi families.
But the President says he would have if the media had given any indication that it might have worked.
Democrats, still stinging from their painful election defeats in 2000 and 2004, are wary that Bush may yet attempt a coup.
But, added a senior Chrysler spokeswoman, “Since we don’t actually sell any cars, we’re confident that no one will notice.”
.jpg){kind=small} Thomas Hawk |
Instead, Governor Rod Blagojevich is said to be concentrating on filling his pockets.
Not content to have bested John McCain, Obama has his sights set on Santa Claus.
Apparently, the Bush-shoe incident has set off of rash of copy-cat attacks around the globe.
 dhammza |
Women, however, were suspicious of men who claimed that their favorite novel is Little Women.
Some facts are weirder than fiction.
Exactly: “LIMA (Reuters) – Virgin Mary, a 20-year-old Peruvian woman, gave birth to a baby boy on Christmas day and named him Jesus, Peru’s state news agency said on Friday. The baby’s father, Adolfo Jorge Huamani, 24, is a carpenter.”
Exactly: “LA PAZ (Reuters) – A Mexican beauty queen arrested in the company of heavily armed, suspected drug traffickers has been stripped of her Hispanic American beauty title, pageant organizers in Bolivia told local media on Saturday.” But the news wasn’t all bad. Moments later, pageant officials, sensing an opportunity, promptly crowned her “Miss Marijuana.”
Really? Exactly: “Most of the insurgents are easy to spot with long hair, beards, rifles, camouflage vests and running shoes.”
Uh. . . maybe that’s the point: “NEW YORK – The Daily News of New York reports in Thursday editions that Stephen Turbek is selling a poster-size calendar covered with the plastic bubbles. Customers can pop a bubble each day to mark the passage of time. Turbek says it makes a perfect gift for obsessive people — as long as they don’t pop the whole year on the first day they get it.
We can’t say that this hasn’t crossed our minds once or twice: “PHILADELPHIA – A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.”
Another example of the hidden costs of not giving that big raise: “TOKYO (Reuters) – A 60-year-old man who was thrown into the air in celebration at his retirement party died after his colleagues failed to catch him and he fell to the floor. . .”
Honestly, we don’t make stuff up in the Exactly section: “TAMPA, Fla. – It really must have been a special item. According to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, two men entered a man’s home early Sunday and demanded his eggbeater. One suspect was holding a pistol while the other brandished a knife to the resident’s neck. Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.”
Exactly: “MOSCOW (Reuters) – The winner of a new Russian beauty contest must be attractive, talented and witty. But never mind wanting to help children. She should also symbolize Russia’s constitution.” Note to Miss Teen USA South Carolina: Don’t apply.
Exactly: “OTTAWA (Reuters) – The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said Tuesday they would test 24 Tasers bought before 2006 after a media investigation suggested older models of the stun gun could fire excessively large electrical charges.” Turning lemons into lemonade, the company has decided to market the new, lower-voltage models as “Ticklers”.
It was just a matter of time. Exactly: “SYDNEY (Reuters) – Teachers using red pen to mark students’ work could be harming their psyche as the color is too aggressive, according to education strategies drafted by an Australian state government.”
Uh oh. Exactly: “Judges chose ‘gammelfleischparty’, or ‘spoiled meat party,’ — an unflattering term for a gathering of people over 30 — as the ‘youth word of the year 2008.’”
Exactly: “Though he acted irrational, Fleming did not have an odor of alcohol about him at the time of his arrest, the [arresting officer] said.” Apparently, some people are perfectly capable of behaving irrationally—even when sober.
Exactly: “A Malaysian man has been stabbed to death for refusing to stop singing and hand over the microphone at a karaoke bar, police say.” Other patrons asked that the killer be presented with a Community Service award.
Exactly: “Prosecutors asked for a high bond, ‘due to alleged prohibited contact between the parties and the suspicious nature of the circumstances surrounding her injury’.”
Exactly--"The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called ‘15 seconds of hell.’” The buck, who after all had just been shot, pleaded self-defense.
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