Around DUH World
Fortunately, the United Nations is working on a ‘selective culling’ strategy that will reduce the excess--mostly, they say, from countries that overconsume and overpollute. Run.
As a concession, France agreed to send Carla Bruni to coach Afghan women in fashion trends.
In a world-class understatement, the news story offers that “The election by the North Korean parliament was expected.”
Just in case you didn’t already think that Somali pirates were lowlifes: “Food aid for Catholic Relief Services programs in Rwanda is part of the cargo on the Maersk Alabama, the scene of a recent pirate hostage standoff and hijacking.”
The “assets” are said to include four rusting boats, three hand grenades, two broken knives, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Exactly: “BAGHDAD – Execution-style killings, not headline-grabbing bombings, have been the leading cause of death among civilians in the Iraq war, a study released Wednesday shows. The findings, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, point to the brutal sectarian nature of the conflict. . .” Thank heavens Islam is such a peaceful religion.
Environmentalists everywhere are hailing the remarkable resourcefulness of the 28-year-old Russian man for his “one-lung crusade against global warming.”
The U.S. Navy is now offering a complimentary tow service for all pirates to a surprise destination.
Exactly: “NAIROBI, Kenya - NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates who launched the latest attack in the Gulf of Aden yesterday, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them.” Well, if it had been U.N. forces, they would have arrested the fishermen and rescued the pirates.
Also under consideration: firefighter layoffs ("alternative fuels") and releasing untreated sewage into streams ("organic aquaculture").
Waterboarding proponents in the military argued that the 267th time would have worked.
A follow up report admitted that an inebriated physicist had been seeing double when he noticed a dog eating from a bio-hazard container in the nuclear research lab.
“BEIJING – A rural Chinese county said Tuesday it had backed away from a rule urging its officials to smoke a certain amount of local cigarettes to boost tax income after it was reported in a newspaper. Officials in Gongan county in central Hubei province were encouraged to smoke over 230,000 packs of locally produced cigarettes a year, the Hubei-based Chutian Metropolis Daily reported Sunday. Tobacco sales, the biggest source of government revenue, brought in $61 billion in the first 11 months of 2008, up 18 percent from 2007. . .”
Exactly: “(n)o blame was placed on the Hamas militants Israel says were using the U.N. compounds for cover during the fighting.” Surprise, surprise.
Proponents of the plan have calculated that by shortening the work week to zero days, they can finally achieve 100% employment.
Taliban militants vow to oust Pakistani army.
Obama is recommending that Israel send bail-out money to neighboring Muslim states, fire their leaders, and assume majority control of their governments.
The new vehicle, said to protect against insurgent-style roadside bombs, should be ready for service about the time the last U.S. soldier departs the Middle East.
Scientists are still trying to determine if the model was Joan Rivers or Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Exactly: “A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday.” The assailant has likely blown his chances of becoming a suicide hotline counselor.
Local TV news will lead with this: “A cruise ship sank in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. Officials now confirm that there were no survivors.”
Queries about the 20th anniversary of the massacre will be directed to the Ministry of Stuff We’d Prefer Not to Talk About.
Local parish priests are considering special offers to boost participation, such as confess one-have two forgiven, half-off on penance required, and amnesty for sins more than three years old.
As a first step, grocery store clerks will be required to ask, “Paper or non-biodegradable, filthy, polluting, unethical container?”
There’s a downside for everyone on this one—you’ve either got more of Rush Limbaugh or more of Michael Moore.
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