DUH Jones
Business News
An earlier draft of his testimony, found in a dumpster, admitted that the firm had “screwed up big time.”
Fearing legal repercussions, retailers nationwide are scrambling to revamp advertising circulars to show only full-price products. An industry spokesperson explained “The customer is always right”.
Not only are food and water scarce in refugee camps, but now the cable company says they won’t be able to do installations until 2012 at the earliest.
The September drop in U.S.-brand car sales was the worst since August.
A broken conveyor belt at the only factory still operating on U.S. soil caused the dip, economists say.
Union leaders pledge to make up for wage concessions by eliminating retirement benefits.
Investigators’ next targets are said to include General Motors.
After a detailed analysis, saddened company executives admitted it was much cheaper to close down than to clean up.
In a hastily prepared press release, Apple explained that the phenomena is actually a hidden feature for use in colder climates. Apple shares are up 30 cents on the news.
Said a Nissan spokesman (and we’re not making this up!): “You can go everywhere without worrying about your driving skills.”
Study revealed that employees’ definition of abuse included: requirement to be on time, lack of cappuccino maker in break room, and promotions based on quality of work.
For added security, Microsoft suggests that customers disconnect all PCs from the internet, office networks, and electrical outlets.
It’s remarkably easy to make a billion dollars if you only pay your employees twenty-five cents an hour.
The communiqué from the nation’s highest paid CEOs said they have no intention of changing the situation, but just making the statement has helped them overcome years of guilt.
In an unprecedented disciplinary act, the court is requiring the CEO to hire a ‘sub-prime’ attorney for his defense.
Down two cents per barrel since last week.
Inspired by Apple’s brilliant “limited edition” marketing strategy, Microsoft has imposed strict sales limits on its new Vista operating system in the hope that someone will buy it.
DETROIT – “That loss is due to a complex accounting charge,” said General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. “We don’t sell enough cars to lose $39 billion on sales.”
Americans want “greener” cars, we just want them bigger and more powerful.
Shocker: In NYC, during broad daylight, a pedestrian was seen walking past a Starbucks store without going in.
Officials said this announcement only applied to workweeks beginning on a Monday.
The companies were unable to explain why the car takes over five minutes to start up.
The shortage of ringers has pushed retail sales sharply higher as customers rush to complete their shopping before the annoying bells resume.
Exact quote: “It beats sending them tubas.”
Citing an apparent shortage of domestic disasters, ex-CEO Mark Everson decided to create one of his own.
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