DUH Jones
Business News
Church agrees on the condition that each call passing through the tower be embedded with subliminal scripture readings.
“This nation was founded on predatory lending,” said one card company CEO. “You can’t spell ‘usury’ without ‘US.’”
When that promotion ends, they’re rolling out the Muhammed teddy bears.
On the other hand, certain lawn care, tile and roofing businesses are encouraging their employees to learn English.
Democratic campaign consultants have flocked to Kansas City to ask the Broadway Cafe how they did it.
Continued lethargy in real estate sales could also lead to slumping sales of Cadillacs to Realtors(r).
The charge is somewhat dubious, as it is based on an accusation that Alexander Graham Bell eavesdropped on Elisha Gray’s email.
The sharp drop in mortgage applications the week of December 21 could herald a softening economy, or possibly could be explained by the fact that nobody’s shopping for houses at Christmas.
Asked to comment, presidential candidate Mitt Romney said, “I don’t know what gasoline costs. I don’t have a car. I have a driver.”
News of the overabundance of late arrivals was delayed by weather problems in Chicago, Atlanta and Newark.
Saudi Oil Minister Ali al-Naimi said on Sunday that (exact quote): “The market fixes the price of oil.” So we were right! The price of oil really is fixed!
Industry analysts did not understand the announcement, however, since thousands of ‘driverless cars” have been languishing on dealers’ lots for several years.
(Scott Henderson)
According to an unnamed cable industry spokesman, “The primary benefit of the new standards will be a doubling of the average consumer’s cable bill.”
Inspired by McDonald’s bold move, White Castle is adding fine wine to its menu, Motel 6 is expanding its concierge services, and the nations’ Goodwill stores are providing personal shoppers for all clientele.
However, due to complex union rules, hourly workers who accept the buyout will still be able to keep working at full pay.
CEO Dan Hesse promised that customers would not notice the difference, since customer service was already non-existent before the cuts.
Is anyone reminded of how security standards were tightened at U.S. airports after terrorists flew planes into buildings?
Tostitos plants in Missouri and Alabama likely to be shuttered soon.
Topping the list of most anticipated revelations is how Bill Gates manages to find a hair stylist who still does bowl cuts.
If that doesn’t work, the company plans to hire voodoo consultants to interpret messages hidden inside Chicken McNuggets.
Reminiscent of their action in the 2001 recession, Fed chair Ben Bernanke asked if it was okay to take the discount rate into negative numbers.
When asked about the fine, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “I don’t think my VISA platinum card credit limit will cover that. We may have to write them a check.”
...Giving hope to adolescent boy inventors the world over.
Exact quotes: “NEW YORK (AP)—Just four days after Bear Stearns Chief Executive Alan Schwartz assured Wall Street that his company was not in trouble, he was forced on Sunday to sell the investment bank to competitor JPMorgan Chase for a bargain-basement price of $2 a share. JPMorgan’s acquisition of Bear Stearns represents roughly 1 percent of what the investment bank was worth just 16 days ago.”
Adjusting their business model to reflect the times, Starbucks is set to begin offering payday loans, debt consolidation counseling and bail bond services at drive-up windows nationwide.
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