DUH Jones
Business News
The Pulitzer governing board was unable to find traditional publications that will still be in print in 2009.
Appointing a government bureaucrat to oversee the Big 3 car companies is said to be part of a comprehensive plan to drive the companies’ stock price to zero.
A Mattel spokesperson said that the leather-clad, fishnet stockinged Barbie “accurately reflects the tastes of the American public."--Or the American pervert, we forget which.
Which explains how he. . . wait for it. . . made off with all that money!
But, added a senior Chrysler spokeswoman, “Since we don’t actually sell any cars, we’re confident that no one will notice.”
In a telling turn of events, desperate shop owners have been caught stealing purses from customers.
To deal with the deluge of new requests, applicants must first appear before Randy, Paula and Simon to vie for a spot in the next round.
General Mills share prices showed a sharp increase as moms stock up on their teen’s favorite cereals.
Fortunately, the Redmond, Wash. company was on top of the problem. Microsoft announced that Zune Service Pack 2, which fixes the glitch, will be available for download by “no later than October” for only $89.95, or $99.95 if you would like a CD-ROM copy.
Since it seems to be working so well at the Federal level, the IRS is now allowing citizens to print their own money to pay back taxes.
Fed chairman Bernanke says ‘not to worry’ - it will get much easier as people lose multiple jobs over the next few years.
1 million actual jobs and 3.1 million government jobs to oversee the program.
Bank execs said they couldn’t predict the amount needed, but they’ll know it when they see it.
Alan Mulally explained: “What would be the point? I mean, according to the latest figures, we don’t sell any cars anyway.”
Exactly: “A clear sign that your company has fallen on hard times is when the president trades in his posh Jaguar for a Volkswagen Rabbit.” Yep. That would be one.
Exactly: “#9. Computer.com. A website that helps you understand how to use computers? Turns out this idea didn’t make a lot of money. Maybe because there are a thousand websites like it, or maybe simply because you probably need to know how to use a computer just to get to the website.”
Apparently the Bush administration employed more appointees than was previously thought
Charities are reporting a record number of bounced checks from newly-unemployed Wall Street titans.
Listed on the asset side of the ledger in the bankruptcy filing: ...wait for it… peanuts.
The checks came with a form asking the recipients if they would like to donate $1 to the State’s depleted postage fund.
At a news conference, Murdoch stated, “You bet I’m sorry. We had expected circulation to go up a lot more than it did.”
Unfortunately for their clients, the rise in the psychic’s business came only after the fall in the market.
An AIG spokesman said the insurance giant’s 2009 business plan depended on government handouts to generate the profits necessary to trigger huge executive bonuses.
President Obama appears to be serious about keeping his promise to bring back the good old days of the Clinton administration.
As an unintended consequence, most of the store clerks quit the same day.
Put the
DUH! Magazine widget
on your website!
RSS 2.0