Fearless LeaDUHs
ElecDUHd Officials DUHvernment ElecDUHble
Sources close to the polling booths say results were so close that a mandatory recount could change the result — to “Arabs hate Bush”.
A Minuteman representative said this would not happen on their watch. “We arm all our vehicles with remotely detonatable C4 explosives.”
During his first presidential campaign, Bush — who promised to be the “education president” — once asked: “Is our children learning?”
Despite five years of U.S. occupation, American values have yet to penetrate the macho world of the Iraqi military, where, strangely, women are overlooked and underappreciated.
Apparently, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission went with the “Good News” marketing campaign after test groups reacted negatively to the alternative campaign: Got Radiation?
“I can’t help it if women find the Holy Ghost in me irresistible,” say high-powered Pentecostal preachers who lead supersized congregations. Characterizing themselves as unfortunate victims of feminine aggression, these wolves in shepherd’s clothing say, “We are supposed to be the aroma of Christ, but I guess to some women we are the aroma of sex and power.”
Politicians are considering a motion that would exclude “corrupt poitical fundraisers” from the definition of “private contractors.”
Democratic congressmen enlist troops to build The Rio Grande Chunnel in an effort to speed the influx of illegal immigrants prior to the 2008 elections.
Surprised pollsters, reacting to approval ratings that actually went into negative numbers, said the President and the Congress have made good on their pledge to “achieve the impossible together.”
Israeli president Shimon Peres accepted an invitation to deliver a keynote address to the group until he was told this was actually a rally against Jews.
He continued: “Whenever possible, we try to kill.”
With respect to his extracurricular activities, Mr. Clinton is said to be hoping that diplomatic immunity works better than executive privilege.
The Dear Leader also announced that internet service in North Korea would soon be expanded from his palace to his office.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea’s Kim Jung Il, and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela are thought to be the front runners for this year’s prize.
Most contractors report they’re packing up their weapons and coming back home. Said one, “It’s just not as much fun when you have rules.”
In a related story, some U.S. politicians have been ordered back to high school civics class.
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We heard that they are also romantically involved…
Opponents are pushing a new version, called “Some Children Left Behind”
Coalition forces said to be practicing for Operation Tehran-B-Gon.
When asked to provide a specific example of “faith” in his own life, Obama appeared confused and said “I had faith no one was going to ask me that question.”
The court found that forcing politicians to tell the truth would be “cruel and unusual.”
Said an Idaho Hall of Fame spokesman, “He’s made us all very proud. For the first time in over 80 years, Idaho is on the map for something other than potatoes.”
Organizers refused to disqualify the politician, citing a long-held Mexican belief that anyone who crosses the line deserves amnesty.
After heated debate to find solutions during a United Nations General Assembly meeting, members from G8 nations voted down a proposed global consumption tax on Starbucks purchases.
One wants George W. Bush sent to Guantanamo, the other wants him dispatched to Antarctica
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