Halls of AcaDUHmia
Many students are graduating with a subprime education, making their investments in tuition loans even more risky.
“Researchers have long known that male bat bugs ignore females’ conventional parts and instead use their sharp penises to stab the females’ abdomens, injecting sperm directly into the bloodstream.” Scientist: “While clearly an interesting technique worthy of detailed study, our current recommendation is that men not attempt this procedure at home.”
While schools nationwide attempt to deal with violence and weapons on school property, the Oak Park Middle School has recognized another menacing threat - kindness. A relieved parent explained that, “Hugs express kindness, kindness leads to friendship, friendship leads to quarreling, and quarreling leads to armed assault.”
After enduring years of scorn, screenwriters for the “Mr. Fusion” scene in the original Back to the Future film are finally vindicated.
Speaking through a translator, Miss South Carolina stated that “There’s absolutely no truth to the scurrilous and unfounded rumors of grade inflation in South Carolina schools.”
Scientists from the University of Western Australia plan to extend the study next to Corvette owners.
Windows version asks repeatedly, “Are you sure you want to stop snoring?” Apple’s forthcoming iSnore features a robotic arm to smother the snorer and is said to be “unusually effective.”
Said drunken chapter leaders, “We’re moving toward an image of unrestrained debauchery.”
As the old saying goes, “If you can’t pack the heat, stay out of the classroom.”
Other Empathy Day activities included using to their iPods with only one ear bud, and going an hour without texting.
Forward-thinking church officials are busy rewriting the wedding vows from the Book of Common Prayer to read, “till death or hard drive failure do us part.”
Willing to try anything, candidates from both parties have already begun testing their “scary” face during meet-and-greet sessions.
Marketing execs from the International House of Pancakes are encouraging chefs to find a way to shape pancake dough into a double-helix.
Researchers were unable to complete the study, saying the ongoing meetings to review the results were too stressful.
Paleontologists are still unsure why our ancestors put makeup on their seafood.
The findings seem to be at odds with evolutionary biology since modern day high school graduates do not posess the same skill.
Organizers were encouraged by high attendance figures until they realized that most registrants were from Pakistan, Iran, and Syria.
Most of it imagined by adolescent boys.
Senior psychology student Victoria Pruitt said, “I think they’re taking this ‘dorm’s just like home’ promotion too seriously.”
However, reaction has been muted since few college students actually know how to calculate percentages.
According to the study’s lead author, “Apparently, people from wealthy families smoke Cuban cigars and drink Bordeaux, while those from the middle class smoke Marlboros and drink Miller.”
While no difference was seen in the tears themselves, female tears were found to result in a far greater expenditure of cash.
University officals refused to acknowledge the issue, saying “rock music is not permitted on the ORU campus.”
It’s just like MC Hammer said: “U can’t touch this.”
According to the report, the weight of former Vice President Al Gore’s burgeoning ego has thrown the earth off its axis.
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