Halls of AcaDUHmia
Surprise discovery made by OMB staff tracking congressional earmarks.
In a remarkable coincidence, this percentage nearly matches the proportion of Americans with two-digit IQs.
Forward thinking divorce lawyers are already developing strategies to help humans through the messy break-up.
A compromise was reached when both parties agreed that teachers could conduct a moment of soft humming.
An NEA spokesperson commented, “We’ve worked very hard to increase workforce productivity, and the fact that 10 percent of public schools are now classified as factories shows just how successful we’ve been.”
‘Massive effort’ utilizing computer animation, video games and YouTube clips has somehow failed to improve children’s reading skills.
Prerequisites include the Sociology of Electromagnets and Post-Modern Perspectives on Nano Technology.
Because new name had already been installed on the building’s exterior, the school will temporarily be referred to as ‘Lubinsky School of Business — Not.’
Something about being exposed to thousands of colorful images and loud sounds per hour appears to discourage thoughtful contemplation, researchers say.
Orange County School Superintendent says they will not be outdone — promises tanning beds in gym, whirlpool spa in shower room, and plush Irish-woven terrycloth robes in locker room.
Despite concerted efforts, researchers have yet to find any benefits of inhaling diesel exhaust.
Researchers said they had not yet succeeded in switching human coke users over to Twinkies.
Children of skinny moms have petitioned the EEOC to ban discrimination based on mother’s measurements.
But this is only a guess, based on 300 million case studies.
The study provides little new insight into the phenomenon, however, as the same behavior has been observed in donkeys since 1932.
Remarkably, the fact that men spend more time on the job doesn’t seem to play any role in explaining why men make more money than women.
Here’s the study kids have been waiting for for decades: It really is the parents fault! But it isn’t how you raise your kids that counts—it’s the initials of their names!
In a finding that explains a lot about American drivers, “84 percent of test takers didn’t know what to do at a yellow light” (exact quote!).
This insightful, taxpayer-funded study also discovered the previously unknown facts that Americans spend more time watching TV, more time playing video games, and more time on the computer.
Women were found to prefer men with attractive bank balances.
Infants as young as six months old tended to avoid playing with selfish jerks. And yet the Dallas Cowboys still have Terrell Owens.
Contrary to the romantic myth, the class delinquent usually ends up becoming a full-grown loser.
According to a campus spokesman, God told the embattled ORU president, “The jig is up, Richard. Looks like you’ve bilked ‘em for all their worth.”
Exact quote: “It doesn’t happen that he immediately turns around and mates with her, but it makes it more difficult for him to mate (with others) and more likely that he’ll say ‘oh what the hell’ and mate with her.”
The UC study was the first to include grunting, belching, and motor revving sound effects in their definition of ‘talking’.
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