Halls of AcaDUHmia
Now maybe residents of northern latitudes can avoid moving to Florida for the winter.
On average, the study found that firstborns received two more years of focused attention than second-born children, and four more years than third-borns.
New study provides convincing evidence disproving that humans have at all evolved from earlier life forms.
Apparently, carving and dragging hundreds of thousands of 20 ton blocks of stone around in the hot Egyptian sun all day wasn’t quite the picnic we’ve all envisioned.
Exact quotes: But “‘(w)e don’t appear to have been visited by aliens,’ Hawking said, adding that he discounts reports of UFOs. ‘Why would they only appear to cranks and weirdoes?’” Hey, we resemble that remark!
Members of the Pi Kappa Alpha chapter at Tulane University blamed the incident, which caused injuries to several pledges, on the federal government’s slow response to Hurricane Katrina.
Exact quote: “New explosives could be more powerful and safer to handle than TNT and other conventional explosives and would also be more environmentally friendly.” Fortunately, the new bombs will be at least as lethal as their less environmentally-friendly predecessors, something that will no doubt comfort opposing armies as they cower in their foxholes.
A new capital fund campaign, ostensibly to repair damage from the tornado, was announced the next day.
Which may explain why preserving tenure is a top priority of the American Federation of Bad Teachers.
Scientists also claim that Martian ice is disappearing rapidly due to human activity-induced greenhouse gases.
On the bright side, the study revealed that graduate student drinking usually doesn’t start until after earning a bachelor’s degree.
Said an irate parent, “First it’s peanuts, then it’s wheat, and before long they’ll want to ban that tasty school paste!”
Another one of those really annoying studies that proves your mom was right after all.
Honestly, guys, in the Exactly section, we don’t make this stuff up: “STUART, Fla. - A student at a Florida school has been arrested after authorities said he was “passing gas” and turning off his classmates’ computers. According to a report released Friday by the Martin County Sheriff’s Office, the 13-year-old boy “continually disrupted his classroom environment” by intentionally breaking wind.” A mighty wind, indeed.
Said an NEA spokeswoman, “We’re positively thrilled with the improvement.”
Critics of women in the military feel vindicated now that scientists have documented the negative affects of combat duty on children.
Who says the American education system doesn’t accomplish anything?
Good to keep in mind when someone is calling you a “filthy, disgusting piece of scum.”
Interested officials at the Federal Reserve are said to be exploring the use of the new fabric on bank balance sheets.
Astronomers in the 25th century should have no trouble spotting the remnants of Britney Spears.
Remarkably, the very same poll also found that they are driving less, spending less, eating less, and worrying more.
Sadly, the way things are going, this country is really gonna be fat!
The full title of the study: “Nation of Junkies: How America’s Sugar Addiction Is Making Us Fat, Dumb and Cavity-prone.”
. . . and millions of holes in American retirement accounts.
At least until the residents started throwing styrofoam cups out the windows of their Martian Hummers.
Put the
DUH! Magazine widget
on your website!
RSS 2.0