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When asked how this prediction can be trusted in light of the last two, forecasters explained their new method, saying, “We chose ‘seven’ because it is generally believed to be a lucky number.”
In other words, what scientists previously “knew” about the size, shape, speed and musculature of this dinosaur turns out to be mostly wrong.
Evolutionary biologists now expect future humans to be born with smaller fingers to aid text messaging on tiny keypads.
Said Brian Kelly, Standard & Poor’s editor (exact quote), “It’s particularly embarrassing that we’re in the business of judging people based on their math scores, and we got our math wrong.”
Exact quote: “You can’t overstate how unthinking these kids are at 18, 19, 20 years old,” said Robert L. Carothers, president of the University of Rhode Island, “They’re not a thoughtful bunch, by and large.”
Researchers found lower back flexibility important for pregnant women and for men with really big guts.
Because naturally occurring steroids were found to power the display, scientific publications will now write ‘Northern Lights’ with an asterisk.
Binge drinking also found to be “not helpful” in raising student GPAs.
Gang names are also being updated to a more preppy sound, with Crips becoming Quips, and Bloods becoming Studs.
Researcher promises not to make the same mistake twice.
Ousted Sprint CEO Gary Forsee said he was pleased to take the helm at the University of Missouri, where poor customer service and spotty coverage are standard operating procedure.
“Facebook,” a noun, is defined as “a social networking website designed to derail productivity, encourage inane conversation, and generate billions in revenue for its founders.”
Apparently, a misprint in an invitation to attend a Party Caucus led collegians to believe they were invited to a Raucous Party.
The new pay system is unanimously opposed by Denver teachers without merit.
Cheap wines, on the other hand, were shown to get you drunk for less money.
The study, conducted by the Smith Institute for Association Research, found that joiners were better looking, better liked, and wealthier than the lowlife scum who don’t join associations.
Students say they will consider the offer if the district adds vacation, sick leave, and contributions to a 401(k) plan.
The Pennsylvania professor defended his new study program: “Who really cares if 1/8 is bigger than 1/3? I don’t.”
...In much the same way as private clubs, private bankers, and private jets.
Unfortunately, the same study also notes that the prospects of finding intelligent life on earth are decidely less encouraging.
Interestingly, politicians have long considered zigzagging the fastest way up Capitol Hill.
And this is a good thing? Exact quotes: “‘I think that people are apprehensive about it because it seems violent or crude, but it’s very economical,’ the NASA leader of the mission said. He continued, ‘It’s a cost-effective, relatively low-risk way of doing initial exploration,’ and compared the mission’s approach to mountain prospectors who used crude sticks of dynamite to blow up gully walls and sift for gold.”
Scientists really are different, aren’t they? Exact quotes: “The most common bacteria found was Pseudomonas syringae, which can cause disease in several types of plants. ‘It’s one of those great bacteria,’ said Walker, who was not part of the research team. ‘They are really interesting.’”
Political correctness advocates hailed the test, which they hope will soon lead to gym hours reserved for skinny white guys who only throw like girls.
Exact quotes: “More often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on, and a new study discovers why: Guys are clueless.” You mean a subtle smile isn’t a come-on?
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