Here Come DUH Judge
An inside source says a new nationwide “Lost and Found” program is being implemented by the DEA. “We’ll seed the boxes with a few umbrellas, cell phones, and bags of crack, and see who comes to claim their belongings.”
A representative from the EEOC said that an investigation is being launched to determine whether an equal number of men have been fired for wearing too much cologne. “Something just smells funny about this one.”
However, how James Nickols managed to mistake 5 foot 7 inch tall, 164 pound Hmong immigrant Cha Vang for the Wisconsin tree squirrels he was hunting that day remains a matter of some dispute.
Embarrassed sender said, “Dude! I thought it said ‘Mr. POT Head’ on the box.”
But it’s a great excuse to try on your next DUI stop: “No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.”
Players claim exoneration has “tarnished image” of Duke Lacrosse as a group of privileged reprobates.
The 5th Amendment we know about—this is a completely different strategy for avoiding self-incrimination.
Reportedly upset by the school’s new low-fat lunches, the suspect said, “I’m sick of steamed brocolli and I’m not going to take it anymore.”
Disappointed prosecutor told reporters, “Seems more fitting to fry him.”
In an uncharacteristic move, the Canadian government is considering criminalizing crime.
In emotional testimony, the man claimed his life of crime began with parking in the Visitor Only spaces at church.
$400K will seem like pocket change when the groom realizes the magnitude of his error.
The ACLU has taken on the case, saying they have found a Right to Sag in the constitution.
The former Judge said the technique had served him well when taking his bar exam.
The court’s majority opinion explained that leniency was in order because this may be the only man Liz Taylor ever gets to keep.
But not nearly as much as the experimental ‘smug self-righteousness detector.’
Pressed for comment, Justice Department officials claimed that to deter hate crime, apathy was their strategy.
Among other things, Bernard Kerik stands accused of cheating on his mistress. Which of course leads to the question, how does that work?
Just before discharging the taser on himself, witnesses at the scene overheard the officer yell “Don’t taze me bro!”.
According to Lt. Dean Sullivan, the images of “multiple naked people” on the 10-inch screen could be seen by someone walking outside the car—especially people with their faces plastered to the windows.
Fortunately, the time honored NYC tradition of feeding bums remains legal.
Overheard in the joint: “What are you in for?” “Oh, I ignored global warming.”
And, no, the store was not a Staples.
Sensing a unique public relations opportunity, police also offered to search for lost keys, missing socks, and misplaced TV remotes.
Several prisoners have refused to pay in hopes of being evicted.
Put the
DUH! Magazine widget
on your website!
RSS 2.0