Here Come DUH Judge
Attorneys for the woman claim that the store’s advertising was misleading. She thought “Buy one, get one” meant “Buy one or get one”.
Is it the incompetent prosecutors or the high-priced defense lawyers? Or do Southern California jurors just find it impossible to believe that entertainment icons have bad days just like they do?
An inside source says a new nationwide “Lost and Found” program is being implemented by the DEA. “We’ll seed the boxes with a few umbrellas, cell phones, and bags of crack, and see who comes to claim their belongings.”
Like we always say, a woman can do any job an man can do. Unless it’s wrestling two other men. Who both happen to be large, muscular convicts.
A representative from the EEOC said that an investigation is being launched to determine whether an equal number of men have been fired for wearing too much cologne. “Something just smells funny about this one.”
However, how James Nickols managed to mistake 5 foot 7 inch tall, 164 pound Hmong immigrant Cha Vang for the Wisconsin tree squirrels he was hunting that day remains a matter of some dispute.
Embarrassed sender said, “Dude! I thought it said ‘Mr. POT Head’ on the box.”
But it’s a great excuse to try on your next DUI stop: “No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.”
Players claim exoneration has “tarnished image” of Duke Lacrosse as a group of privileged reprobates.
Inexplicably, most of the downloads were for Celine Dion tunes.
The 5th Amendment we know about—this is a completely different strategy for avoiding self-incrimination.
Reportedly upset by the school’s new low-fat lunches, the suspect said, “I’m sick of steamed brocolli and I’m not going to take it anymore.”
Disappointed prosecutor told reporters, “Seems more fitting to fry him.”
In an uncharacteristic move, the Canadian government is considering criminalizing crime.
Said a human rights group spokeswoman, “Tasers are cruel and inhuman. Our position is that offenders should simply be shot.”
In emotional testimony, the man claimed his life of crime began with parking in the Visitor Only spaces at church.
The man’s probation officer told reporters, “Last month the man brought in a little plastic cup of Coors Light, and I just said, ‘Get real!’”
$400K will seem like pocket change when the groom realizes the magnitude of his error.
When apprehended, he was waiting in line for an All-Access Hopper Pass at Bangkok’s International House of Kids.
The ACLU has taken on the case, saying they have found a Right to Sag in the constitution.
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Alabama troopers named “most cheerful.” (No. Not really.)
The former Judge said the technique had served him well when taking his bar exam.
The defense attorney for accused stalker Lisa Nowak claimed that the knife, pepper spray, wig and trench coat were a Halloween costume.
The court’s majority opinion explained that leniency was in order because this may be the only man Liz Taylor ever gets to keep.
But not nearly as much as the experimental ‘smug self-righteousness detector.’
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