Here Come DUH Judge
Pressed for comment, Justice Department officials claimed that to deter hate crime, apathy was their strategy.
A note, written on official parish stationery, said (exact quote): “Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans?”
Among other things, Bernard Kerik stands accused of cheating on his mistress. Which of course leads to the question, how does that work?
Just before discharging the taser on himself, witnesses at the scene overheard the officer yell “Don’t taze me bro!”.
According to Lt. Dean Sullivan, the images of “multiple naked people” on the 10-inch screen could be seen by someone walking outside the car—especially people with their faces plastered to the windows.
Fortunately, the time honored NYC tradition of feeding bums remains legal.
Overheard in the joint: “What are you in for?” “Oh, I ignored global warming.”
And, no, the store was not a Staples.
Sensing a unique public relations opportunity, police also offered to search for lost keys, missing socks, and misplaced TV remotes.
Several prisoners have refused to pay in hopes of being evicted.
This practice was not as popular when it was known as burglary.
Anthony Marshall was immediately ejected from the exclusive Century Club, whose spokesperson said, “Everyone knows that one’s estate is not to be plundered until after the loved one passes on.”
Who says there isn’t honor among thieves? Exact quote: “A teenager says he held up a dozen businesses in part to get ‘gas money’ but made sure the heists wouldn’t make him miss curfew or church on Sundays with his mom.”
Exact quote: “The Florida Highway Patrol says anyone missing two big bags of pot can call their Tampa area office.”
Exact quote: “Italian police burst into the room of a suspected Mafia mobster in Sicily and arrested him as he watched a television show about the arrest of a Mafia boss, investigators said on Friday.” Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?
...but Christmas display bans are upheld — city council members asked for new ruling on nativity scene after putting saggy pants on the three wise men.
Legislators in the Garden State claim the death penalty serves no purpose, since New Jersey has virtually no crime now.
Following a foiled robbery at a Dunkin Donuts, employee Dustin Hoffman said, (exact quote): “What was going through my mind at that point was that the security tape is either going to show me run away and hide in the office or whack this guy in the head, so I just grabbed the cup and clocked the guy pretty hard.”
At the sentencing, the judge remarked that Jacob E. McGinnis had really stretched the limit of what is meant by “best friend.”
Apparently prisoners spend the days after Christmas just like the rest of the population: trying to return unwanted gifts.
The thief was found nearby, where two roads diverged in the wood, unable to decide which to take.
Exact quote: “TORONTO - An 85-year-old motorist lost his license and his Oldsmobile for a week and likely faces a hefty fine after becoming the oldest person snagged to date by a new Ontario law aimed at cracking down on street racers. . .”
The ACLU called the measure a slippery slope that will ultimately threaten drivers’ rights to watch movies, do homework, and engage in aerobic exercise.
Exact quotes: “KOKOMO, Ind. - Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store. Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. A short time later, police found Derrick Kosch, 25, at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg.”
Exact quote: “TORONTO (Reuters) - A group of teenage car thieves took a joy ride to a court-ordered counselling program aimed to keep them away from stealing cars, Winnipeg police said on Tuesday.”
Put the
DUH! Magazine widget
on your website!
RSS 2.0