Here Come DUH Judge
Marchers under the age of 35 were advised to send a thank-you note to their mothers.
Exact quote: “LYNCHBURG, Va. - Charges have been certified against a 72-year-old man accused of robbing a Lynchburg bank, who police say changed his mind and tried to give the money back.”
Exact quote: “AUSTIN, Texas - A volunteer at a community radio station set fire to the station because he was upset that his song selections for an overnight Internet broadcast were changed, police said.” Station president Andrew Dinkens summed up the incident (exact quote): “We are kind of worried that people will look at us like a bunch of idiots.”
As reported in the San Francisco Chronicle: “The world’s largest golf resort management company has discriminated against disabled golfers and must provide carts that let them hit the ball without stepping on the course, a federal judge in San Francisco ruled Monday.”
He would have abused many more, sources said, but the nursing home where he worked cut back on overtime and double shifts.
Exact quotes: “WILTON, Minn. - Longtime friends Chase Torgerson and Cody Charpentier were driving along a northwestern Minnesota highway near Wilton when they saw a car fly through the air and crash into a median. They jumped out to help — only to turn around moments later and see one of the passengers from the crashed car hop into Torgerson’s vehicle and peel away. And, to make matters worse, the car thief rolled Torgerson’s car, totalling it, just about 800 yards down the road”.
Offiicals justified the prohibition, saying that children liked to use the space under bridges for drinking, smoking and experimenting with illegal drugs.
Could it be because they have really fast cars?
Golf cart registration and control laws are probably around the corner. Exact quotes: “NEW YORK - Police say a Parks Department employee took his city-issued golf cart on a rampage, running over and killing five birds in a public park. Three pigeons and two seagulls were killed.”
More proof they don’t teach either history or economics in U.S. schools: Exact quotes: “A Phoenix man was caught Monday trying to use counterfeit $100 bills at a local store. The store clerk said that the money Scott Martin handed him was obviously fake. The problem? Instead of adorning Benjamin Franklin’s face, these bills showcased Abraham Lincoln, whose face appears on the $5 bill.”
You read it here first. “ANDERSON, S.C. - Authorities say a man drove a stolen car to the Anderson County Sheriff’s Office to demand the return of nearly $2,000 officers seized from him during a drug arrest last June.”
Digital photos of aliens seen entering the country illegally will be stored in a virtual jail, transfered to a digital bus, and sent to a virtual destination in their country of origin.
Exact quotes: “Two masked and machete-wielding men who barged into a club in Sydney, Australia, couldn’t have picked a worse night for their robbery—a monthly meeting of bikers. About 50 burly bikers fought back with tables and chairs—pretty much anything that wasn’t bolted down. One would-be robber was tied up; the other put in the hospital. Police arrested both. ‘These guys were absolutely dumb as bricks,’ said the leader of the bikers. ‘I can’t believe they saw all the bikes parked up front and they were so stupid that they walked past in.’”
This guy must have a really lousy job. Exact quotes: “Daniel Kuch told [the Sheriff] he’d been the victim of a drive-by shooting while he was jogging Thursday. But detectives told KONA radio that Kuch later acknowledged that he asked his friend to shoot him so he could get some time off work and avoid a drug test.”
Inmates withdrew their complaints after warden referred to the meal as “Eat it or Starve”.
But did he turn state’s evidence? Exact quote: “AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A shoplifter looking to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left police a crucial piece of evidence—his 12-year-old son.”
Exact quote: “The FBI and New York authorities had been searching for (the man), who disappeared Wednesday after telling his wife he was getting his computer fixed at Best Buy.” We’ve tried that story before. It didn’t work for us, either.
Recent 911 callers have received a recorded message saying, “Feel free to shoot any suspicious persons and email your local precinct with photos and description of alleged crime.”
The men were relieved because with so many wives, this was their first chance to speak in months.
Exact quotes: “FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.”
Not only that, the sons of convicted spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg now agree that smoking can cause cancer.
...thirteen years too late.
Witnesses? What witnesses? Exactly: “The murder [in a crowded Naples card parlor] of an uncle of a crime syndicate turncoat left blood oozing across the stone sidewalk and a collective silence by potential witnesses among fellow card players, prompting a wry comment that the victim must have been playing solitaire.”
Defense attorney’s for the spammer demanded their client be allowed to pay the debt in 873,000 easy installments of $1,000.
They should have seen it coming: “‘It appears these lawyers’ hearts are two sizes too small,’ Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson said.”
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