John DUH
The 22-year-old man was detained for psychological testing following the discovery that he was driving a 1984 Impala.
The recovering lover told reporters, “Her profile on the dating site said ‘...looking for someone I can have a drink with who’s not yet tied down.’”
The original plan was to call for world peace, but George Soros told the group to “dial it down a notch.”
Said a neighborhood social worker, “There are always plenty of tricks, but not so many treats.”
Unfortunately, group members recently realized that most of its growth has come from Mexican citizens who mistook the “Minutemen” for a rapid-transit border-crossing service.
The bank already has all of your money. The bank robber only wants it.
Commuters report they were able to make better time with the highway closed than they do during a normal rush hour.
Driving home in the dark not only threatens pedestrians, it also threatens workers’ mental health.
Citing their youthful exuberance and lack of disposable income, mall owners would like to see teens return...in about 30 years.
A new survey of American households has shown that even more socks than previously thought have gone missing.
PETA has petitioned automakers to install roof-mounted “falling cow” air bags on all 2008 models to protect America’s bovine population.
To counteract accusations of poor prisoner treatment at Guantanamo, Homeland Security has reserved several rooms for top Al Qaeda suspects.
DUBLIN, Texas – Jackie Bibby was immediately certified for two world records by Guinness officials: Most snakes in a bathtub. . . and world’s lowest IQ.
Police order ER doctors to teach the man a lesson by using automotive pliers when removing debris from his legs.
Kids: “Like, that’s why we play video games. . .”
Mother claims she just wanted her tyke to master towel snapping before attending public school PE classes.
...But successfully detained hundreds of watches and belt buckles, plus a few knee replacements.
And for an upgrade to the 16GB model they’d cast a write-in vote for Steve Jobs.
Remarkably, this time Kyla Ebbert says she’s “not embarassed at all.”
Concerns over discrimination due to age, height or appearance have led city officials to recommend that all identifying information be removed from ID cards.
In an alarming trend that could shatter the American economy, shoppers are insisting on products that are actually worth the price being paid.
A judge has ordered the shooter back to kindergarten to learn his colors, sounds, and animal shapes.
Thanks to the internet, most people wait until they’re back at work to start their serious holiday shopping.
Fortunately, most of the victims of the rash of text dumps are under 13.
Although it took herculean efforts to lift the 25-year-old man out of the shaft, witnesses said his “extra padding” probably saved his life.
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