John DUH
Here’s one for the “say it ain’t so, Joe” books. Exact quote: “SEASIDE, Calif. - A 15-year-old girl who stopped an out-of-control school bus she was riding on was handed a Saturday detention instead because she was skipping school.”
Not surprisingly, the plastic bottle which contained the message and was dropped into the ocean by a 4th-grade student (now a 30-year-old accountant) is now considered an environmental hazard by the EPA.
To minimize the likelihood of human error, tabulation of the census data will be done by monkeys.
A quick review revealed that very few people wrote in their High School Yearbook Career Goals page, “Wave a wand in front of impatient airline passengers.”
...which shows how closely the mores of the fundamentalist Mormon sect mirror those of U.S. society as a whole.
Tripped up by new voter ID laws, the nuns were unable to prove that they weren’t illegal immigrants from Vatican City.
Or for a fee, Google will highlight and enhance faces for individuals interested in additional online publicity.
Workers cleaned the middle of the interstate first, and saved the chocolate cookie shoulders for last.
Analysts have detected differences from past survivalist trends, noting the stockpiling of Prada handbags, do-it-yourself Botox kits, and spare parts for high-end cappuccino makers.
Since the average World War II veteran is 84 years old, a run on plain white marble markers is to be expected.
The preservation group briefly considered fighting to save a Houston strip mall and several chain restaurants, but decided the historic district was a better fit with their mission statement.
107 year old veteran Frank Buckles was asked by reporters to recall his first tour of duty in Iraq.
Thus laying to rest the ugly rumors that suburbanites from Metarie and Lafayette were camping out under urban overpasses.
...and using the extra day off to haul the boat to the lake.
Anybody who expected spending to increase in April has obviously never had to write a check to the Internal Revenue Service
Drivers’ hopes were dashed when they learned that rising fuel costs had failed to alter the laws of physics.
Truckers also reported being upset by decayed roads, construction detours, and not being able to find a good country music radio station when driving I-95 up and down the Atlantic coast.
Secret to becoming America’s fastest-growing city: have everybody leave for a couple of years.
The complaint came from the National Association of Couch Potatoes who claimed the signs were discriminatory toward men who prefer not to work.
Exploiting the working class and ruining the environment have become “too expensive to enjoy anymore,” according to one country-club swell.
On the other hand, men had at the top of their list of most-wanted automobile featues: engines.
So apparently the best way to get a decent raise next year is to retire.
Really unhappy people watch “Cheaters.”
Manager Aaron Brummley, who promised to keep the phone “secure” until the owner returned to retrieve it, was overhead saying, “Talk about Hot ‘N’ Spicy!”
Sadly, his luck then ran out: He also won a pair of Kansas City Chiefs tickets.
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