John DUH
According to Seattle transit officials, the new South Lake Union Trolley is fast, easy, and cheap.
Staff grew suspicious when the caller ordering the electric shocks identified herself as “his mom.”
ROCK SPRINGS, Wyo. - (Exact quote): “A woman stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife following an argument that began when she accused him of opening a Christmas present early, authorities said Friday.”
Exact quote: “BAL HARBOUR, Fla. - A baby Jesus statue here is getting a Global Positioning System for Christmas.” The overseer of a nativity display, which had a previous Christ Child statue stolen, said, “we may need to rely on technology to save our savior.’”
Exact quote: “‘It looks like a normal year with no major storms,” said the 84-year-old Smokov, peering at two of the brown, glistening, foot-long organs on his kitchen counter like a Gypsy gazing into a crystal ball. ‘That’s what the spleens tell me.’”
In a TV interview the man said, “They always said I didn’t deserve their daughter, so I’m sure they’re thinking I didn’t deserve the million either.”
Is this a great country, or what? Her grandson said that (exact quote): “She doesn’t know who any of the candidates are.”
Exact quote: “ST. CHARLES, Mo. - What the ...? A St. Louis-area town is considering a bill that would ban swearing in bars, along with table-dancing, drinking contests and profane music.” According to the bill’s sponsor, “Basically, I’m just trying to ban bars.”
Critics say that the plan is flawed since without their children’s assistance, most parents will be unable to implement the new safety features.
1. United States Penitentiary, Leavenworth, Kansas. 2. United States Penitentiary, Terre Haute, Indiana. 3. United States Penitentiary, Marion, Illinois, etc.
...Thus giving patriotic high school students one more reason not to do their homework.
First to benefit will be overworked computer geeks who say even an artificial life will be better than no life at all.
Families of those killed in the crash were relieved to know it wasn’t intentional.
However, discussion of the proposal has generated so much controversy that the 30 original groups have split into 90.
iPod owners welcomed the news, in light of what the product has already done do to their finances, eardrums, and social life.
This is news because snowstorms usually “creep,” “sashay,” or “mince” across the Midwest, but seldom sweep.
Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was jubilant as he touted the city’s top ranking to a group of people who’d been robbed at gunpoint while waiting in the unemployement line.
We’re sure this story explains a lot. Just what it explains, we’re not sure. What we do know is that we hope our wives aren’t paying attention! Exact quotes: “Attention, frustrated wives: if you want your husband to start listening to you and stop leaving his socks on the floor, all you need is a little patience and a lot of mackerel.”
Michigan librarians are also said to be considering porn nights and drug fests to stem sagging popularity.
There always a catch. Exact quotes: “YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members: Hanky panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth issued the 30-day sex challenge to take on high divorce rates. The challenge doesn’t extend to unwed congregants, however.”
The woman said negotiations broke down when her children refused to enter into a revenue-sharing agreement with income from their part-time jobs.
Self-conscious about carbon emissions, the arsonists promised to purchase carbon offsets to compensate for smoke damage to the atmosphere.
Next time, he’ll just buy pot. Exact quotes: “NEW HAVEN, Conn. - Michael Sheridan was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate. ...the New Haven school system banned candy sales in 2003 as part of a district-wide school wellness policy. He says he didn’t realize his candy purchase was against the rules, but he did notice the student selling the Skittles on Feb. 26 was being secretive.”
Exact quote: “Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years, and they’re investigating whether she was mistreated. The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that ‘there was something wrong with his girlfriend,’ . . . but he never explained why it took him two years to call.”
A Mormon group affirmed the Lutherans’ finding--well, the “one man” part, anyway.
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