American math skills have now not only fallen behind other nations, but behind other primates as well.
The good news is that the average cholesterol number for all Americans is now 199. The bad news is that 49 percent of us are still a heart attack waiting to happen.
The National Association of the Deaf is requesting a companion device enabling users to hear through their mouths.
Survival rates of uninsured cancer patients were found to be significantly lower, casting doubt on popular do-it-yourself chemotherapy regimens.
Which proves that you can fool all of the people 79 percent of the time if they aren’t very bright to begin with.
A story concerning the linkage between perfume and depression notes the following (exact quote): “Mice are thought to be good models for how the human body and brain work.” This undoubtedly explains more than depression.
...and they almost certainly will lead to job loss if used at work.
A think tank in Silicon Valley questioned the results, suggesting that kids who feel unpopular are more likely to create an internet start-up company that sells for millions.
The warning reads, “Failure to use this product as directed may result in side effects that persist for twenty or more years.”
The results of the study suggest that some couples may live forever.
It certainly does for men.
A majority of women admit to purposely depressing their husbands in advance of Valentine’s day.
Everyone knows diet soda drinkers are fatter because diet soda is an excuse to upsize the french fries.
And we thought it was just the communities living in the FEMA trailers that were toxic.
Apparently, intensive training is needed to discern that red-faced, middle-aged men clutching their chests are not just reaching for a pencil.
The study’s spokesman said, “Incredibly, age and gender appear to have something to do with it.”
Believe it or not, this is the big finding of the study (exact quote): “Students who take prescription drugs for non-medical reasons are at least five times more likely to meet the definition of having a drug abuse problem than students not misusing them.”
When told of the survey results, college men asked the researchers to reveal where they conducted the polling.
Some academics are criticizing the study because of the extremely small sample size.
It was a gallant try. Exact quotes: “LIHUE, Hawaii - A man hoping to cheer up an ailing relative at Wilcox Memorial Hospital hadn’t considered one of the visitation rules: No horses allowed. The man thought the patient would enjoy seeing his stallion, said a spokeswoman at the hospital. The man’s good intentions were further dashed when his relative was brought out to see the horse. ‘That’s not my horse,’ the patient said to hospital staff.”
This study was published in the esteemed medical periodical “Journal of Findings That Surprise Absolutely Nobody.”
Early symptoms include the following: “You mean I already ate lunch? Wow. Right. I guess I did.”
However, this may be because all the unhappy people have already died.
The complication in question being the father getting yelled at for not providing an adequate supply of chocolate.
To encourage physicians to adopt the system, the device will also alert doctors to available tee times when the patient approaches an area golf course.