Environmentalists have shifted from measuring size of carbon footprint to measuring depth of carbon footprint.
While unable to agree on a Universal Healthcare plan, lawmakers have reached a consensus on Universal Plastic Surgery, decreeing that every California resident must complete at least one cosmetic procedure by year’s end.
Medical science once again validates what moms have been saying for decades: go outside and play!
Girls who ate dinner with family members were less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, the study found. Researchers speculate that abusing drugs and alcohol is more difficult for teen girls when Mom or Dad are sitting right there with you.
Residents who wish to maintain a larger carb footprint will be allowed to purchase trans-fat credits from other states.
Overweight men, the study revealed, are only required to wear looser fitting muscle shirts.
Especially when rolled up to a TV during episodes of “Desperate Housewives.”
Simple as it sounds, the pastor also announced a seven-part book, CD and video series explaining the concept to puzzled parishioners.
Especially the ones where patients look up the balance due after a hospital stay.
Parents began questioning the test’s reliability when the results suggested their child’s best option was to play Wii games.
The soon-to-follow 2.0 version will track silliness, stupidity, and bizarre activity.
But tied with Guam for “least interesting things to do on a weekend.”
However, much like in real life, would-be sperm donors outnumber potential egg donors by a sizable factor.
The FDA now suggests the fresh Pacific White Seabass served with a horseradish garlic lemon tartar and a medallion of sundried tomato butter.
Researchers have identified the specific sequence of commands that the brain sends out: “Pick that up.”; “Put in mouth.”; “Chew and Swallow.” (In some brains the “Chew” command was optional.)
We’ve heard of divorces costing “an arm and leg,” but this appears to be the first time an internal organ has been on the docket.
Just in time for the inauguration—one more problem to blame on George W. Bush. Exactly: “Obesity is a toxic result of a failing economic environment.”
Zoo officials expressed interest in the reciprocal relationship as long as they could send a sick giraffe to the hospital’s Ear, Nose and Throat clinic.
Based on the new FDA advisory, Reese’s is introducing a new line of Salmonella Cups. The taste is to die for.
Apparently the Constitution is not the only thing people are swearing to uphold.
The American Fertility Association was unhappy with the results of their last media blitz in AARP Magazine.
Unfortunately, the “active lifestyles” of many teenagers apparently prohibit close contact with said chemicals.
FEMA officials are said to be working on a campaign to spin the story positively: “The hurricane didn’t take you out; maybe this will help.”
We presume study particpants weren’t kissing Mom, complete strangers, or Aunt Hilda with the hairy mole.
Talk about padding your statistics...how do you report an eight-for-six hitting streak?