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Famished from his grueling eight-hour PETA empathy session, a reformed Michael Vick was overheard exclaiming, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.”
That kind of muscle definition comes only from long years of hard injections.
The possibility of using lower-cost players from India was cited as a justification for the move.
NBA Commissioner David Stern said if he wanted to hear disparaging comments about the league, all he had to do was ask the fans.
Object of the game is still to get the little white ball in the hole.
The experimental game against an all-girls school showed that “we’ve a long way to go to achieve equity in sports,” one official said
Pettitte’s agent said Andy is certain there will be other team owners even dumber than George Steinbrenner.
As a disciplinary measure, the league has ruled that for the next 3 games, Colts fans must use their ‘indoor voice’ when cheering for the team.
Bonds is accused of perjury, obstruction of justice, and having a really really big head.
Proving that the only team owner as dumb as George Steinbrenner is George Steinbrenner.
Explained Carr, “If I’ve learned one thing over the past several years, it’s that buckeyes are a tough nut to crack.”
The omission brought surprisingly few complaints compared to the outcry when Heinz Field concession stands ran out of beer.
In the courtroom, the Giants slugger accused of lying about steroid use threatened to strangle his accusers with their own intestines.
Miami Dolphins fans, accustomed to losing every week, are complaining that Sunday’s win may jeopardize the team’s number one draft pick.
6 AM: HGH
9 AM: Workout
Noon: “The cream”
3PM: Sign autographs
6PM: “The clear”
9PM: Practice “If I ever get caught” speech
Repeat daily.
No further penalties were incurred for the remainder of the game.
The pitching legend denied using illegal steriods, saying his trainer injected him with Vitamin B-12. Or, as it’s referred to by trainers, steroids.
...by Espionage Weekly, the magazine for amateur spies.
Exact quote: “CLEARWATER, Fla. - What are the odds? Leo Fiyalko, 92, a legally blind golfer with macular degeneration, scored a hole-in-one at a Clearwater country club. He’s been golfing for 60 years. ‘It’s my first hole-in-one, and I never saw it,’ Fiyalko said.”
Immediately upon announcing his retirement from football, Brett Favre signed a three year contract with the Kansas City Chiefs.
Golfers around the country are anxious to learn which brand of golf ball provided the distance and accuracy to make the hit.
You read it here first--he will sign with the Kansas City Chiefs, who have a habit of signing once-great players to see if they have anything left in the greatness tank.
Environmentalists have petitioned the Olympic Committee to replace the Olympic Torch with a battery-operated, fluorescent ‘Olympic Bulb’.
The cost savings were offset by longer travel times, however, since the carpoolers had to switch drivers every 8 seconds.
Fans were so caught up in the no-hitter bid, they forgot to do the “wing flap” when the Angels were at bat.
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