Poll shows Arabs dislike Bush
Sources close to the polling booths say results were so close that a mandatory recount could change the result — to “Arabs hate Bush”.
Millions wasted on government travel
In fairness, this compares rather favorably to the billions wasted by government staying home.
U.S. auto sales decline
The September drop in U.S.-brand car sales was the worst since August.
Michael Vick to receive empathy training from PETA
Famished from his grueling eight-hour PETA empathy session, a reformed Michael Vick was overheard exclaiming, “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse.”
Iraqi President: 100,000 U.S. troops could soon leave Iraq
. . . on their way to Iran.
Man jailed for trying to pass $1,000,000 bill
The trouble started when he realized he didn’t have correct change for a Nestle $100,000 bar.
Brain found in bag in Virginia
Authorities are not unduly alarmed, however, as brainless people are reportedly very common in the D.C. area.
Canada to criminalize identity theft
In an uncharacteristic move, the Canadian government is considering criminalizing crime.
Paramedics should be trained to treat breathing problems, study says
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Study also says that it helps if you live close to the hospital.
Italian police arrest man with a $500,000,000 check
After authorities set bail at $100 Million, the quick-witted suspect replied, “Sure, will you take a check?”
‘Migrant Air’ takes crossers closer to border
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Passengers are given an ‘immigration kit’ containing a flashlight, wire cutters, and a letter of introduction from Mexican president Felipe Calderon.
Liberal brains wired differently
Details of the study show that any wire can be paired with any other wire, all signals are distributed equally, and the right hemisphere is completely missing.
Drug-resistant bacteria more deadly than AIDS
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More research would help, but scientists have been unable to find a ribbon color that’s not already taken.
Skies to be swept for alien life
Republicans expand efforts to find a viable candidate.
Impotence drugs may lead to hearing loss
According to researchers, the word most difficult for study participants to hear was “no.”
Wisconsin city bans archery in Archery Park
New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg responded by saying he has no plans to curtail assaults in New York’s Battery Park.
Woman stabs tied-up lover to drink his blood
The recovering lover told reporters, “Her profile on the dating site said ‘...looking for someone I can have a drink with who’s not yet tied down.’”
Earth hurtling toward tipping point, report warns
According to the report, the weight of former Vice President Al Gore’s burgeoning ego has thrown the earth off its axis.
al-Qaida takes issue with Al-Jazeera
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Insurgents were incensed when Al-Jazeera cut away from Bin Laden’s remarks to run a commercial for ‘Brush-In Color Gel for Beards’.
FEMA criticized for staging fake press conference
Officials became suspicious when the questions were not overtly hostile to the Bush administration.
Practice Bomb Dropped On Virginia Beach
The UN Security council quickly condemned the incident saying the U.S. should have first attempted to negotiate with the mayor.
Elvis regains crown as top-earning dead celebrity
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The annual Forbes list also named Michael Jackson as top ‘dead-looking’ celeb, Britney Spears as top ‘career-good-as-dead’ celeb, and Dick Clark as top ‘he’s-not-dead-yet?’ celeb.
Judge booted for flipping coin to decide
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The former Judge said the technique had served him well when taking his bar exam.
Dalai Lama has no answers about Iraq war
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He did, however, give a strong buy recommendation on Google stock.
US top court lets Liz Taylor keep disputed Van Gogh
The court’s majority opinion explained that leniency was in order because this may be the only man Liz Taylor ever gets to keep.
Study links TV viewing to attention deficit disorder
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Something about being exposed to thousands of colorful images and loud sounds per hour appears to discourage thoughtful contemplation, researchers say.
This just in: malls hate teens
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Citing their youthful exuberance and lack of disposable income, mall owners would like to see teens return...in about 30 years.
Musharraf cracks down on Pakistani protestors
Trying to quell criticism of his contested election, the Pakistani leader has silenced the media, jailed dissidents, and posted a “yummy” self-portrait on his Facebook page.
Colts deny alleged ‘artificial noise’
As a disciplinary measure, the league has ruled that for the next 3 games, Colts fans must use their ‘indoor voice’ when cheering for the team.
GM loses record $39 billion
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DETROIT – “That loss is due to a complex accounting charge,” said General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. “We don’t sell enough cars to lose $39 billion on sales.”
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