Now doctors say it’s good to be fat
 Iain Farrell |
A spokesperson with the FDA said the new goal is not to eat like the food pyramid, but to look like the food pyramid.
Boeing 737 grounded after engine falls off
 mel kots & john kots |
Aviation authorities suggested that the airline consider grounding aircraft before an engine falls off.
Missing WWII fighter plane discovered on British beach
 Roger Smith |
Democrats vow to bring it home before the end of the year.
U.S. General: Roadside bombs down sharply
A military spokesman elaborated: “We’ve made a lot of progress. Frankly, there aren’t enough roads left in Iraq for the terrorists to set up roadside bombs.”
Sheriff forces inmates to pay rent
 xersti |
Several prisoners have refused to pay in hopes of being evicted.
Ahmadinejad calls dollar “worthless piece of paper”
 hoder |
Even insane third world dictators are right some of the time.
Candidates, retailers vie for TV time
In a rare time-sharing agreement, Mitt Romney is set to appear in a Walmart spot saying, ‘Always low taxes’, while Hillary Clinton will appear in a Capital One spot saying, ‘What’s in your wallet?’.
Credit card executives defend rate increases
“This nation was founded on predatory lending,” said one card company CEO. “You can’t spell ‘usury’ without ‘US.’”
NY grocer offers Hanukkah hams
_thumb.jpg) Jungleboy |
When that promotion ends, they’re rolling out the Muhammed teddy bears.
Businesses encourage employees to learn Spanish
On the other hand, certain lawn care, tile and roofing businesses are encouraging their employees to learn English.
Huckabee once called for AIDS quarantine
_thumb.jpg) IowaPolitics.com |
As the Arkansas governor rises in Iowa polling, voters will learn that Huckabee also has had a speeding ticket, smoked a cigarette before turning 18, and once threw a cat over a hedge.
Gore gets Nobel, warns of ominous threat
_thumb.jpg) SeraphimC |
Former Vice President Al Gore used his Nobel acceptance speech in Oslo to warn Americans that he may yet join the 2008 presidential race.
Young Chimps Top Humans In Numerical Memory
American math skills have now not only fallen behind other nations, but behind other primates as well.
Greenland ice melting at record rate
_thumb.jpg) Kriz Dux |
The previous record was held by French ice, which melted at just being shown a picture of a German soldier.
Floods of tears as climate change ‘hard man’ breaks down at summit
Diplomat is overcome after hearing final total for energy consumed by attendees traveling to Bali meeting.
Seattle’s new trolley line called the “SLUT”
 lesuerg |
According to Seattle transit officials, the new South Lake Union Trolley is fast, easy, and cheap.
Disgraced cloning scientist seeks comeback
Researcher promises not to make the same mistake twice.
Feds endorse new rules to prevent risky mortgage loans
A congressional committee worked for six weeks to come up with Rule Number One: You have to have some idea how you’re going to pay it back.
Robert Frost home vandalized in Vermont
The thief was found nearby, where two roads diverged in the wood, unable to decide which to take.
Merit Pay for Denver Teachers Gets Mixed Reaction
The new pay system is unanimously opposed by Denver teachers without merit.
Iowa losers attack winners
Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney are both saying that the Iowa caucus results “don’t fairly represent” how much average Americans hate them.
`Subprime’ is linguists’ word of year
Many political analysts are projecting that given this year’s batch of presidential candidates, the word for 2008 will be “sub-par”.
China to improve nutrition labeling on food
 teachastrid |
The new law requires that all food packaging be clearly marked, “Leaded” or “Unleaded”.
Virginia considers ban on texting while driving
 Steven Parker |
The ACLU called the measure a slippery slope that will ultimately threaten drivers’ rights to watch movies, do homework, and engage in aerobic exercise.
GM to offer buyouts to half its hourly workforce
 lesuerg |
However, due to complex union rules, hourly workers who accept the buyout will still be able to keep working at full pay.
Sprint to slash 4,000 jobs after subscriber losses
CEO Dan Hesse promised that customers would not notice the difference, since customer service was already non-existent before the cuts.
Study: High-speed rail to Duluth costly, attractive
 lesuerg |
Just like a trophy wife.
Bush: There is ‘risk of a downturn’
The President’s personal physician explained the statement, saying that although Bush appears cognizant, he has actually been in a level five coma for the last six months.
New Warning Added to Contraceptive Label
The warning reads, “Failure to use this product as directed may result in side effects that persist for twenty or more years.”
Autopsy on Heath Ledger inconclusive
_thumb.jpg) Howie Berlin |
Well, except for the part where he was found to be, um, dead.
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